Can people really change?

​​This is such a common but complex question to answer and to which I have so many follow-up questions, like how do we define change? What exactly is it that you're wanting to change? And why do want to change? If we are talking about changing habits of thinking or behaving, then yes, we all have the capacity for change. The essence of life, if you ask me, is all about changing via learning and growing through life's multitude of experiences and challenges. However, going about changing our habits of being is a journey, one that's filled with ups and downs and is therefore far not going to be a linear process like you might imagine it's "supposed" to be.

In short, the answer is yes, we have the capacity to change our ways, but it's really difficult to do so because a) by nature we are creatures of habit, meaning we are largely driven by unconscious/subconscious processes that keep us maintaining our status quo, and b) this process doesn't happen overnight because habits take time, effort, persistence, consistency, determination, support and, most of all, motivation to actually want to go through this process. What's most important in this process is thus coming back to your personal why. Why do you really want to change? Take a few moments of silence right now to tune in with yourself. Deep within your heart, why are you really here reading this right now? Consider seeing me, or any therapist who is trained in motivational interviewing (MI) and/or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), to further explore.

Many if not most people come to see me because deep down, they want to be better for their loved ones and nurture healthier, more loving and supportive relationships--both with themselves and with others. I know for me personally, love is my main intrinsic motivator and what really drives me to want to grow, change, and strive towards the best possible version of myself. Unfortunately, because of how we're socialized in our world, we often don't take the time to really tune in to answer this question, so we instead might rely on extrinsic motivators like money, status, appearance, weight, etc. or other things outside of ourselves that relate to wanting to be approved of and accepted by what society has conditioned us to believe we need to feel fulfilled and successful in life. Moreover, decades of research in psychology has shown us that relying on extrinsic motivators such as these actually keeps us from successfully sustaining change, whereas intrinsic motivators are more likely to produce lasting change.

One final thought (for now!) that popped into my head related to the question of whether people can really change is regarding whether they can change aspects of their personality; to that question, my initial response is no. If we're thinking about "personality" as the essence of someone's being, character or energy, I see those aspects as something that remain relatively persistent and stable across time. And while my greatest hope is that you don't ever want to change the essence of who you are, the truth of the matter is that, until we've done what some call the real "shadow work," there are parts of ourselves that we don't fully accept and therefore perhaps do want to change. I'll definitely be posting more on shadow and shame work so stay tuned. In the mean time, I invite you to consider EMDR therapy, especially if you've experienced significant trauma.