Why "just don't care or let it bother you" doesn't work

Perhaps you've heard these or similar words like "just don't be so sensitive" from a well-intentioned loved one or even from yourself after you noticed yourself reacting to a situation or person in a more intense way than seems "normal." 

There's an important distinction, however, between a) the kind of not caring or being so sensitive that comes from minimizing or otherwise denying your feelings and b) the kind of not caring that results from actually having done the difficult being meaningful work of accepting your feelings so that other situations or people are not​ taken in such a personal way. Sure, perhaps in the short-term you can find that you're successfully able to minimize or deny that something bothers you, maybe by distracting yourself with something in the mean time. In the long run, however, this strategy not only doesn't make those feelings go away, it makes it increasingly harder to deal with them when they resurface in the future. And you can guarantee that if you're going about living your life, these feelings are going to resurface--it's just a matter of when.

Rest assured that if you find yourself relating to the minimizing/denying side, congratulations on being human! It's in our innate nature to block painful experiences, which is why denial exists in the first place and is our basic defense mechanism. If though, like many humans, you're trying to grow personally, professionally, spiritually, or otherwise (and if you're reading this now then that is most likely the case...unless reading articles is your way of distracting yourself from and therefore denying your feelings, which is also possible), then you're going to have to get out of the habit of denying your feelings and strive towards acceptance. This is of course much easier said than done and, the fact of the matter is, once you commit to this difficult but meaningful journey, you're going to discover much more about yourself and be truly growing through that experience.

​You've likely already started making strides in the first step, which is awareness of the fact that you're having the experience of taking something "personally" that in reality is not personal (side note: This is where "it's not you, it's me," while seemingly funny, actually holds a lot of truth. When you notice your mind personalizing something, you're denying your responsibility for your own experience by placing the power of it outside of yourself). You're doing great already! Notice I said strides because while awareness may sound simple, what's key to getting out of denial requires a certain kind of awareness that doesn't come naturally to us humans. Becoming aware in the moment, and without judgment, that you are personalizing someone or something external to yourself gives you a tremendous window of opportunity to cultivate acceptance, growth, and healing. Instead of viewing this experience as a problem as soon as it arises (which is our innate tendency to do), I invite you to set the intention to view it as a challenge or opportunity to practice so that you can engage with it in a different sort of way than you've been previously doing. Especially if the intensity of your experience felt out of proportion to the situation, this experience is here to teach you something about yourself that you've held onto that was imprinted on you at an earlier time; some might say this experience is your wounded inner child coming out and asking to be heard, seen, acknowledged, and felt.

Once you've become aware in the moment of this painful experience, there are many different ways to start changing your pattern. What's most important now is that you're starting to change your pattern vs. getting into the nitty-gritty specifics of the exact protocol of what to do, because there isn't one (hence the hundreds of effective therapy approaches out there, for instance). You might try just sitting with the experience by attempting to gently notice the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations you're having--not engaging with the thought content itself but just observing it in the same curious kind of way you would observe an abstract piece of art. You might try journaling about your experience to put words to something that you've never verbalized. Instead of telling yourself to just not care or be so sensitive, you might start learning to talk to yourself in a more compassionate way. Or perhaps you might turn to therapy, which can help you uncover and process earlier memories triggering your present experiences--I'm currently biased towards EMDR therapy to facilitate this process in a comprehensive manner.